A Wrong Turn of Events -- Exactly As Planned

I had always been telling other people, and trying to persuade myself, that it has always been my dream to become an actuary.

That is, until now: when I am officially enrolled in the general mathematics program, aiming at a major in actuarial science, at the University of Waterloo--my “dream program” in my “dream university”. Now, the truth is so evident that I can no longer cover it, not even trying to do so for myself.

I have to admit it, finally, that mathematics is not the passion of my life. I have no inner motivation to keep my mind on it for seven hours a day, seven days a week. It is not the spiritual food that suits the taste of my heart. Good for an occasional snack, at the most. And deep inside, I know, I have been aware of this from the very beginning. Yet I chose this path, for the lure of a high salary and stability.

In high school, while walking in the hallways, I had told myself again and again that I should follow my mind rather my heart. I despised my former mentor for his choice to let his inner child (one marked by irresponsibility and lack of self-control) run freely. I thought that by believing in that rationality should rein in emotions, by suppressing my desires to become a writer or anything “riskier” than an actuary, I was better than him.

Now I realize that I was only partially right.

As soon as I start to have to spend fifty hours every week trudging amongst piles of homework, all of which mathematics related, all my genuine desires began to venture out in rebellion. I created a blog. I started to subscribe to several news magazines. I placed more entries in my notebook than ever. The romanticist in my nature called out to me: leave, leave this torturous place, follow your heart and do something you enjoy.

Yet I am still indecisive. I plan about writing a book, starting a jewelry business, joining my father in his plan to found a logistics company--anything that will effectively prepare me for life after university yet distract me from the routinely university work. But so far, except for the book, everything else exist only as a blueprint. Even if they do become reality, university will still have to remain a major focus of my life. I will still have to face more and more mathematics work, which is becoming increasingly painful every day.

Unless I go somewhere else.